At first glance, singledom is a dreary, Seamless-filled place. Your infatuation with your favorite Netflix original series grows by a sometimes concerning amount, and you begin to plan the start of your next show based on that time of the month.
You know your roommates can’t call you out if you’re basically in labor and vomiting all over the place. What they don’t know won’t kill them, and what won’t kill them honestly just makes you more single. But you have obviously grown to be more than OK with this.
Lately, I have been inspired by my fictional friends. I have refocused my time and energy to connect with the devious geniuses who are Abby Jacobson and Ilana Glazer. Instead of lying to myself, inducing sexual frustrations and bawling like a small child, I’m learning how to effectively push these basics out of my way. I want to take my destined place as the queen of singledom.
Yes, you heard it here first.
If Abby and Ilana were forced to recreate the all-too-famous scene from “Titanic” — in which Jack holds Rose at the edge of the boat as she exclaims, “I’m flying” — the scene would change ever-so-slightly. Both would be hand-in-hand as the Siamese twin version of Rose, and Lincoln and Beavers would be on the ground, holding their feet so they don’t actually fly away.
This is what I’m saying: Girls who are single should always be on top. As the queen herself put it, “ Bow down, bitches.”
Since I don’t expect to rule in a Regina George-esque type of way — no one can afford the extra pounds in singledom, so we eat Quest Bars instead of Kaltines — I have decided to share some of my Abby and Ilana inspired tactics with you. Let’s start conquering our little world, as it only seems to keep getting smaller:
1. Spend an entire day walking through subway cars. This is the abridged version of swiping through Christian Mingle, JSwipe, SamePlate and Petpeoplemeet.com all at the same time.
2. Stalk Kelly Ripa. Guys think she’s adorable, so maybe if you associate yourself with her, they’ll think the same about you.
3. If you throw a little rendezvous, be sure to have appropriate male and female giveaways. Trey’s Clif and Luna bar idea was genius.
4. Try to channel and accept your alter-ego. Needless to say, I am extremely envious of any person who can come up with a better conversation-starter than Val. Abby is so in tune with Val, she even has a song to sing if some dude decides karaoke is a good idea. She already knows that the song is a crowd-pleaser.
5. Pretend to forget about a quite possibly lethal food allergy. Although there is the possibility that you may go into anaphylactic shock, you’ll at least have a romantic hero coming to your rescue. Disclaimer: Please only use this if you really see a future. It is obvious that Ilana did with her date.
6. Befriend an inanimate object in order to get to know yourself. These things can’t talk back, so you’re essentially forced to answer your own questions and listen to your own bullsh*t. That dried fig seems like the best friend a girl could have. Isn’t there that idiotic phrase that goes “No one will love you until you love yourself?”
But lastly, while you do this, do not lose your best friend. (Well, unless she’s magnetically pulled to a moving vehicle.) Take a quick Snap, and then run. She’s the only one you have staying for breakfast in the morning. Aka, you are both drowning your sorrows in boozy brunch.
Bow Down, B*tches: 6 Ways To Absolutely Kill It At Being Single
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